Okay, so all these experiences of what I’ll call the truth with a capital T sound like just so much hogwash. And probably trying to put the experience into words fails miserably. If I simply try to put my experience in the most basic terms, I think it just might work.
First of all, it is no big deal. It is not something I have that you, or anybody else, doesn’t have. It’s only that I had this experience of sitting with this man, this guy who is called "Adyashanti" who kind of hits you over the head with a "bat of Reality", a "bat of Truth."
The day I sat with him, afterwards, he said to the audience that he’d swung his "big sword" that day, and for me, it felt like he had chopped off my head!
So what does it feel like—this Awakening? What does it "seem" like?
It’s as if somebody came with a bright light, a flashlight let’s say, and shined it into my life so that the light hit everything and nothing was left in the dark. As if there were no shadows remaining. When the light hits everything and there are no shadows left, it sort of takes away any reference points. It’s difficult to tell where one thing stops and another begins—it all becomes just one thing.
That says it pretty well.
Just one thing. No more up and no more down. In a way it is so perfectly, sublimely, simple. And yet it is not what I have been used to. It’s no longer my old way of seeing. There is not the old, "this is what I should do today" or "this is who I am." I am no longer who I was. And yet I am only who I was because the old me just got melted into this huge vat of Space—of Nothingness.
Adya did tell me that day, that when I would walk back to my seat in the audience I was no longer going to be the old me. I was going to be—and he used these words, "the guy formerly known as Tony."
And that has been my experience as well. But "the guy formerly known as Tony" melt into this Total Oblivion all at once. It is happening over time. It is now six months after that day and although, when I think back to that defining moment of the "Train Wreck" it seems like no time has passed at all, I also experience that this melting away of the old me into the new "Non Me" is taking place gradually, over time. I'm guessing it would probably be too big a shock to my body if it happened all at once.
I’ve been back to two "Intensives" to talk with Adya again, and listening to the experience of others I am aware that the body itself transforms after this experience of the light being shined. The light is also shined into the body. And the body, in my experience, twists and turns like it’s doing yoga all on its own, to straighten itself out in order to accept what’s happened.
There is a lot of energy flowing up the spine—more than before anyway—and that seems to have something to do with this shift in consciousness. I notice that others who are going through this use that word a lot—"shift".
So, in essence, my experience of sitting here at my computer is pretty much the same as it always was—me trying to explain my personal experience to myself. To try to make sense of it. But now, there is this added Hugeness sitting right underneath that I cannot deny or take my attention off. I tryto look the other way and for awhile that works. But, more and more, the Hugeness is taking precedence and I am recognizing that I, if I dare to admit it, am nothing but It.
The guy "formerly known as Tony" is becoming more and more "The Guy Formerly Known As Tony".
And, since he’s the new guy in town, new to this experience of the truth with a capital T, this "new guy" will continue to think about it, I guess, until all the thoughts just melt away and into It.
After I awakened at 2:00 A.M. the following is what I wrote in the dark, in my notebook.
The Silence –
All of life dances on the surface of it.
All effort is non-effort. The best effort is non-effort.
All light is a gift of God.
It is so simple, it is nothing at all.
There is some sweetness to it – a subtle fragrance.
I am my own guru. He is me.
It really is so silly – I was always enlightened, now I just know it.
It has already become established. It will never go away. Where can it go?
This is not an ego thing. It is a not ego thing.
I am writing words I cannot see. Because really words cannot be seen.
The deep silence of 2:00 A.M. is mine.
I am all the creation. It is all inside me.
All of the words in all of the books ever written mean nothing at all.
Light is such a gift!
The Silence permeates creation everywhere. It is like little spaces between the beads of light that make up the illusion.
It really is all illusion but that is okay because it gives us a place to act like a movie set, like a play.
I can only tell the truth. There are no more lies. What I know is real. All doubt is gone.
This is like trying on a new coat or shirt to see if it fits.
It is just sweet, so very sweet.
I have come home. To my Creator.
God is driving – so whatever happens in this life, is God’s doing.
Ignorance is, not believing what you already know.
God provides everything. So any doubt is ridiculous. Even if we don’t believe it, it is true.
I am far less special than I was. Now I am not special at all. I am just That!
This is very funny!
Now I see why the audience was laughing.
Relationships: Acceptance is the key. You accept every single thing about another person, because that is, after all, who they are! Acceptance is the key!
Accept the state fully, in which you live. You already have everything. There is not one thing that will ever be added to you. Only taken away – and that’s a good thing!
Awakening is nothing added on. Only something taken away – the veil of illusion.
Live: in the place with the most Bliss.
This is a great relief. There is nothing more to do. This is the beginning and the end.
Just stop.
Do nothing.
Give up everything.
Give up.
And there it is. Have it All.
This begins, The Story of My Awakening.
When I sat in the seat in Santa Monica beside Adyashanti, he told me. "There is no need to struggle any more. Your journey ends here. Right here, right now. Just stop. Stop doing. Stop trying. You’ve arrived at the station, so get off the train. Just stop."
Ever since I’ve gotten off the train—ever since I’ve had my awakening, I’ve not written much about it. First of all, words just don’t explain it, at least not very well. There just are not words for some of what has happened.
But I have written down some of the core experiences in a notebook that I always keep with me. So journal keeping, somehow, continues when it wants to. Now, it is wanting to. So, for anyone who might want to experience this journey with me, you can share in it as it unfolds.
OPPOSITES
That night I woke up at two o’clock in the morning. Whenever I tried to pick a word to explain what I was experiencing, I’d immediately think of the exact opposite, which was also true. I was writing in a notebook that I always keep handy, even in the pitch dark. Things were too wonderful in the darkness of the Bunshaft’s living room to turn on the light. I wrote, "this is not an ego thing." And then immediately following, "it is an ego thing."
That might have been the first opposite I discovered, but they have come in flurries like the now, ever since. It is light, it is dark. There is quiet and there is sound. There is nothing yet there is everything. They can go on and on, and it’s pretty simple why they do.
Because this field that was discovered to me, shown to me, is simply "All That and All This" and everything that is and that isn’t. So whatever one says to describe it, the opposite is simply true as well just because It can’t be just black and not white—and all the shades of gray in between.
That is why in Adyashanti’s book, "Silence Dancing" he says that the silence is impossible to describe. It’s almost a joke when you try to do it, but I am a writer and an artist and it’s my job to describe things, so I feel I must try.
Another thing Adya said was "ask the consciousness, 'do I need to do something?'" My consciousness answers, "yes." But I know that "doing" is just as much "not doing" as it is doing. That’s a sentence that could be written on the wall of an insane asylum as well as on the wall of a monastery. It will be tricky to write about all this, but also it should be fun.
I think I should begin in earnest by just transcribing what I wrote in my notebook, all in the dark, just because I think I should. This will come in the days to follow. Hang on, it's a wonderful ride!