Dear Feelings

I was so afraid, for so long. So I could not acknowledge your being. But I was feeling. What I was feeling was fear. I was afraid to feel afraid, as if this feeling would kill me. And, with the fear of feeling afraid I felt afraid to feel anything at all--even happy. Or kindness, or friendship or in love.

All the people I’ve hurt in this life were hurt because I had been afraid to feel. When a feeling came it was often one of pain--and the pain was the pain of inadequacy, that I was not enough. So rather than have that pain, I taught myself to shut down and live in the dark place where feelings couldn’t reach.