INTRODUCING: "LETTERS TO MYSELF"

About ten years ago when I was still fairly new in my recovery with alcohol, I came up with an idea that I thought would help me deal with all I had to deal with. I would address all the various aspects of my life that needed dealing with directly by letter. As I began to write, I was amazed to find, that the aspects themselves began to take on a life of their own. They became so real to me it was almost as if they began to live and breathe. I’ve compiled them and named them "Letters to Myself". I will reprint the letters here for the next 35 or so days. I hope you will enjoy reading them and will relate at least to some.

It seems that the sharing of these most personal letters is happening concurrent with our country going to war. The irony of this, to me, is huge—because my letters reveal the war I’ve been engaged in with myself for so many years, which has been the source of so much anger and bad behavior.

My humble hope is that others might relate to my battle. The first step in winning the war, in this case, is to be willing to admit there is a problem. It is that willingness that becomes the first ray of healing light.

My first letter (below) is addressed to my anger:

DEAR RAGE,

The time has come to finish with you—to end our love-hate relationship. You have kept me apart from myself. I used you to protect me, as a shield of armor to keep people away.If I yelled or grew angry enough then I was safe inside the bubble of rage. By yelling I was able to keep people away from me—at arm’s length—a safe distance from which I wouldn’t be hurt. But this meant I was separated, isolated and protected in your shell.

You, Rage, kept me from the pain of feeling. You, like drink, offered me a buffer from the pains of living.

But now that I’m learning to be at home with my feelings, and now that I know they won’t kill me, I dare to feel. I know now that I’m okay and that I can live without you—so I’ve decided to let you go, Rage. I’m turning away now and setting you free.

I’m saying "good-bye" to you now. Although you served me when I needed you, I need you no longer.

Take your incredible power, swirl it into a circle; create a huge storm, a hurricane, over the South Atlantic and stir up the waves into a frenzy. Create all the havoc you want out there in the empty sky, above the sea. Spend your fury on yourself and be gone.

Good-bye, Brother Rage. Go. Be on your way.